St. John of the Cross

This was today’s reading.

I went to the 6:45am mass and the 7:00pm Spanish mass. hehe

I’ve been to the Spanish mass in the 8am morning and the 7pm had a cool guitar and music so definitely going back on Wednesdays. It was so cool and awesome.

I now know most of the mass prayers in English and now I want to go often enough that I eventually memorize the Spanish ones.

Some of the phrases I remember my mom saying as a kid like ‘Dios todo poderoso’ or ‘pan de cada dia’ or ‘padre celestial’

LOL this whole time, I thought she was just making up intense phrases and being dramatic because you know how Latina moms are lolol!

Anyway so today Father Juan said something interesting, “would you get your head chopped off or would you get executed in the name of our Saviour?” or something like that, anyway I think it was. rhetorical question or at least something to ponder.

And I thought, right there in the pew, I sure would. I’m not afraid of death. And I’m really not. I mean, isn’t it a straight ticket outta this crazy place we call Earth?

I think for my sacrifices for the Lord will be living and participating in life. Being involved and cherishing this life and doing what God asks of me.

Living is harder than dying.

Getting your head chopped off versus balancing a 24 million payroll ledger sounds a lot easier to me. Hmm who’s the dramatic one now? lol

But alas, here we are and I must follow my God’s will even if it’s in everyday tasks I don’t want to work on. It has to be FOR me for a reason.

I know my Father has me on a path of self-love. How can I live in a way that honors His love for me?

Back in the medieval times, it was execution, but what does it look like now?

What are we willing to do for the Lord?

I made it.

It’s hard reading those last few posts. I was as low as you can get. I was so close. I was very close but in the end I could not go through with it.

I felt a strange force of resistance present. It felt large and vortex-like and aggressive and ‘in the way.’

A few days later after that July 25 posts, I finally had an awakening I’ve been hoping (praying) for for so long.

I won’t go into detail now but God Jesus Himself came to me and I was filled with his presence. His presence was magical, magnificent, infinite, boundless love and a rush of euphoric understanding flooded my brain, my being and my soul.

We finally made it. We made it to the other side of the fence. We are finally out of the prison. And God helped us escape.

There’s a series of events that have led me to the Catholic Church. The church Jesus left for us all along. And this is why I’m writing.

I have fallen in love with the Catholic Church. Seriously. Like I go to mass everyday, sometimes twice a day. Currently, obsessed and I love this beautiful love affair.

All I can say is when I go to mass, I can feel His presence. I can feel that He is there. How lucky are we? We get to visit Jesus himself, the one True God, at anytime of the day (Adoration)?!

I love that. I mean, if that doesn’t blow your mind, THEN YOU DON’T GET IT. I mean, think about it: you can visit GOD, the greatest of the greatest, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Love of Love, all that is Good and True, He is here to be seen! He is here! He is here NOW!

The best. Being Catholic is the best thing in the world.

I went to a sunrise mass and it was completely in Latin. Didn’t understand a word but I sure did cry. There was so much beauty sitting in the dark church lit up by candles at the altar.

Although I go to mass frequently, I very RARELY feel alone if ever. I am complete absorbed by the beauty of the church, by the angel voices of the choir, and the stunning and supernatural in the center of the church. How could I feel alone?! He is there with me, all the angels and saints, and my brothers and sisters!

However, what I do feel is a lot of social anxiety. I always get nervous, every single time right before mass. I feel like one day someone is going to be like “Hey weren’t you here yesterday? Get out of here you don’t belong here. You’re not even Catholic. Heck, you’re not even baptized!”

But no one has said it yet haha. In fact, one of the ladies from RCIA always pats me on the shoulder and says ‘it’s good to see you here’ which makes me feel better and I tell myself that it’s okay that I’m at mass everyday as a non-Catholic.

I will be moving into the Rite of Acceptance in mid January and I’m mostly nervous and afraid. I think the excitement might set in when the date gets closer. I keep thinking they will kick me out of the program because I’m not good enough.

Which leads me to what I want to say: my walk with God will be about self-love and self-worthiness as you could probably tell by what I’ve said above.

I have faith. I am a believer. I know God is real. I know Jesus is real. I believe in one Almighty God, Light from Light, True God from True God. I believe in his virgin birth and our Holy Mother Mary.

My walk with Jesus and this journey to becoming Catholic will have nothing to do with whether I believe or not. I do believe in God. I do believe in the Catholic Church. I just don’t believe in myself.

I believe and KNOW God loves me. In fact, I had an encounter with the Lord God himself through His presence and Holy Spirit.

Despite knowing all this, I doubt myself, I’m hard on myself, I think I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, Catholic enough, God loving God fearing enough, pious enough, etc etc etc.

My journey with Christ is Him walking myself to me. He will show me the way to love myself. He will make me See how He Sees me.

When I can finally See what He Sees, then I won’t just be a believer, but I will wholly belong to Him in every way a human can belong to the Lord while here on Earth.

And so I end this post with a prayer:

Dear Father,

Thank you for answering my prayers. Thank you for making my dreams come true. The last few months have been incredible and I have experienced so much beauty I never thought was possible. I am humbled and privileged to be present within your presence and your reverent Church.

Please help me be open so I may listen to you well and with clarity and always follow your will.

Father, I pray for my brother, my sisters, my mama, and all my family members, for everyone in the world in pain and suffering. I pray they find your Love and redeeming presence for you are a sigh of relief in a world that seems hard to catch a breath.

I love you so much and thank you for loving me.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.