Hola desde Kauai: Day 1

My 19 year old brother Lewis took me to the airport. On the way there, we talked philosophy, psychology theories, and the question of free will.
Yeah, that’s my young adult brother talking about that. It fascinates him. Me too. That’s one big thing we have in common and could probably talk for hours about it.

Anyway back to me. So normal airplane stuff, TSA was mostly a breeze, except one officer who by even just looking at him, I could tell he had that air of ‘police authority.’ I took out my cell phone, toiletries and shoes.

I forgot I had my laptop in the back of my backpack and he got so upset. Insert eye roll. He opened my backpack and was unraveling my cloths when I told him the laptop is not inside, but on the outside. And I said, “Here, I can show you which pocket.” And he authoritatively with this big man ego voice said, “No. Just tell me where.” So I described the pocket, even though I was standing right in front of him.

So he pulls it out, then runs it and my backpack through the scanner again.

Sheesh. Yes, Mr Big Man, your job is soooo important.

Ok so then finally it’s time to board, I get settled in and I switch seats a couple of times so two young boys can sit with their dad. I end up sitting with this couple who during the 6 hour flight were doing a mix of cuddling and kissing each other’s hand to bickering about “you never believe me, I actually have to show you.” I say this because when couples fight in front of me, it makes me very very extremely absolutely uncomfortable and squeamish. Insert flashback of childhood. LOL

Anyhoo, one of the AA flight attendants was rude. His name is Isaak. Yes, I’m calling you out, man! Not going to go in to the deets, cos you know what, it ain’t even worth it.

6 hours flew by on Netflix and YouTube. Okurrt.

As the plane was landing, the lush green landscapes and the green and blue water was absolutely breathtaking and gorgeous. There is no picture or video that will ever be the same until you actually See it and Experience it yourself. Ever.

Took a shuttle to the car rental place, checked in my hotel, and drove 25 minutes to Poipu Beach. Got in the water. Saw what looked like some kid’s poop. Got out of the water. Walked along the shore. Took pictures.

I really wanted to get back in the water and continue playing with the waves, but the poop. THE POOP. DOES SALT SANITIZE?
Like I said I would have continue playing in the waves, which I might add are fucking scary and dangerous and unpredictable and strong, yes even at the shore. There was a point where I was wading at my hips and I took I step and all of a sudden the water was to my neck. There was like this dip in to the ocean. Scary, man. So I swam back until the water was at my hips.

I’m a pretty good swimmer but I was also alone so ain’t no one gonna save my drowning ass.

rocks in poipu

me in kauai

After about an hour or so, I headed back to my hotel and watched some TV. It was about 11PM Houston Time and 6PM Hawaii time. I was so sleepy but I stayed up until 9:30PM 2AM Houston Time (thanks to  Instagram and #inmyfeelingschallenge) in order to get adjusted to the Hawaiian time.

But not before driving thru a Mc Donald’s cos I got hungry, ok?! Don’t judge me. I had a Ahi Tuna Poke when I was at Poipu Beach… and Koloa (local) Rum so I did my Hawaiin cuisine duty. Plus, it was late and most (good) restaurants were closed by 7p. ANYWAY I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF. Plus, I’m a on a budget and I can’t be spending $14-$17 on an entree errytime. Okurrt.
ahi tuna in poipu
Well enough about that. Right now, I’m typing this out in the hotel and about to head to WalMart for some snacks and water.

Today’s agenda is a drive to Wailua Falls, hiking, then to Kapaa beach town, then the long (not really) drive to Princeville so I can take a bath like a Queen.
Skirrt,
Grace
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The Days Are Hard The Nights Are Long

I wish I could say every day gets a little tiny bit easier.

But it’s not the truth, just when I think I feel better, a 100 foot wave of pain, heartache, memories, and nostalgia engulf me.

It’s hard to get out of bed.

This must be the messy part. The messy, dark, hard, heavy transition. I would I skip skip this part. Fast forward to feeling better. Fast forward to a healed scar.

This is the part people don’t talk about. When you fall down, hard. Of course, we get back up, we all do.

But what happens in the middle?

How do you get from A to C. How do you have the courage and the strength to pick up your heavy soul and your heart. A heart in which a whale sits on.

How do you find meaning in life again? How do you find small moments of happiness? How do you squint your eyes so you can manage or imagine to see some bit of a dust of light?

Can I tell you something so small gave me a little high? My mail packages arriving at my apartment.

For as long as I have moved out, all my mail has gone to my mother’s house. It made me feel independent to have an address or live somewhere where I can receive packages.

Yes, it made me feel quite grown up. And I wanted to share it with someone. Text someone. Call someone. Message someone.

“Guess what? Picking up the packages at my apartment, lit my heart up today.” It felt good and new and big.

I know it may seem small but I refuse to call it stupid.

I’ll call it a light. I’ll call it living again.

I’ll take it.

I pray and meditate to find a purpose to this all. Growth, expansion, opportunities.

And the grace to let go.

To let go, lovingly and wholeheartedly.

Sometimes I am there but there are dark moments when I get angry all over again and the darkness and redness seeps into my skin and my stomach.

The conversations and would be conversations play in my head. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.

The whys, and hows.

And I have to fight my way out of that hate, out of that resentment, and anger, and shame, and regret.

Fight my way so I can come back to love. Come back to leaving you the way I left you. Loving you completely and wholly. Loving you unconditionally, but ultimately choosing myself.

Choosing to love myself. To honor myself and honor my feelings. To respect my feelings and thoughts.

And not to shame them like you did. Not tell them, how dare you even exist? They say you aren’t your thoughts.

But they are a part of you, they flow into your decisions and your beliefs. What you think…is.

Every day and every moment, for as long as I need to remember, for as long as this process and mourning lives within me, I promise always to do so with love.

To honor you, to wish you nothing but light and love. To wish so intensely for your healing as I do for mine.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

And to truly love you.

I have to truly love myself.

A Drunken Meditation

6:44AM Friday November 17

I’m jamming out to Taylor Swift as I write my group meditation experience from yesterday.

Ok, so I need to lower the volume because I keep stopping mid-sentence to dance. Taylor Swift, I just don’t know how to quit you.

Ok volume has been lowered.

So let me tell you. Long story short: I took a Transcendal Meditation (also referred to as TM) course because I was going through (still am, let’s not kid around) self-identity crisis. I was going through a break up and going through some self esteem issues. And I needed to find peace and a quiet mind, STAT.

So yes, I paid the $700 to learn how to meditate with the TM technique. (FYI, it’s income based so you can pay as low as $300 and there are monthly payments, which I did.)

(Sidebar even with the low volume, I just can’t stop singing along…okay. FOCUS!)

So umm where was I? Ah yes, quasi mental breakdown so I started TM. Ok I have been meditating for about 2-3 months now, and I will say it has helped very much. It’s helped in many ways like when I’m in the quite space, old thoughts will come up that will surprise me and I didn’t know that was something that still bothered me, and maybe it doesn’t, but it’s still a thought that my brain spontaneously presents to me.

I had my first “unbounded consciousness” experience when I was meditating at work. I went to the usual private, quiet, lonely empty office I go to, and closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and said my mantra.

Before I knew, everything was just quite, and my mind felt like it was inside an expansive landscape…like just space and air. My brain was finally quiet and empty. No thoughts. Thank the lord.

BUT it only happened that one time and now every time I meditate, I’m a restless seeker looking for the same experience, but the more you try to make it happen, then it won’t. I gotta just relassss.

Anyhoo, so back to yesterday. TM Houston has Thursday evening group meditations and fock, the power of group meditation is no effin joke. Like seriously, all that energy and synergy is just controlled chaotic full big heavy, heavy energy.

I never felt it as powerful as I did yesterday. It was actually quite an experience and a deep but conscious meditation.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I immediately felt the vibrations and energies of the room. Like…hmm it’s hard to describe, but it was VOOM. Hmm you know when you see those movies if someone closes their eyes and all of a sudden they’re in another world and the movie audio/sountrack makes likes this VOOM sound? Well yeah that.

Not sure if that makes sense, but I closed my eyes and VOOM. We sat in meditation for 20 minutes and I still had plenty of thoughts through but there were absolutely moments of…something.

At one point, I felt like the room was spinning and I was trying so hard not to open my eyes because I didn’t want to break my meditation, but yes, the room was spinning. It was the same exact feeling after a drunken night of too many vodka sodas after going to see the drag queens at Tony’s.

When you get home and slump on the bed, and can feel the whole room spinning. Yes, just like that. And it felt like it was for like at least ten minutes but sometimes it’s hard to have concept of time in group meditations because they’re so deep. (With my individual meds, 20 minutes can feel like years or 20 seconds, depending on how I’m feeling, what I’m stressed about etc.)

Also, my hands and forearms felt really, really warm and numb. This almost always happens at group meds and occasional in my own individual meds. I actually like this feeling a lot. I know when I can’t feel my hands I’m in a different state, even if I still have thoughts flowing at 60 miles an hour. It’s my brain releasing stress.

The group meditation was much needed. The last several weeks I’ve had very surface, cursory individual meditations and even those are considered ‘good’ meditations because your brain and nervous system is allegedly relieving stress.

So we’ll see, I want to be able to have deeper individual meditations but I know that only comes with practice which I need to do more of, not just in the morning. With TM, you’re actually supposed to do it twice a day but I’ve been slacking.

Anyhoo that’s my drunken meditation experience. I’m off to werk!

 

I’m buying myself a gift.

Today marks another little decision that’s going to help big movements.

I finally, FINALLY created custom email addresses for my business instead of having the students email a regular Gmail account for questions or support.

Such an exciting moment for me!!

It was a bit frustrating because for a day I was going round and round in circle calling Shopify, GoDaddy, and Hostgator! Like twice.

But it helped that the customer service people were so cool, chill, and actually helpful. And if you know me, you know I’m ALL ABOUT customer service.

Welp, and I need to get better about celebrating milestones that mean a lot to me so tonight I will go to da store and buy a few little gifts I’ve been wanting to purchase.

Recently, I’m delved deeper into spiritually and finding inner peace and being happy now and all that yada yada, you probably hear a lot.

But hey it helps me. It really does.

Anyhoo, so I’m buying an amethyst and quartz. Amethyst helps with insomnia and anxious energy. Quartz helps cleanse the soul by regulating the energy around it. It wards off bad energy and is considered a healing stone.

So you probably thought I wasn’t going to get all woowoo but hello, it’s ME!

I’ll take some pictures and post later.

Thank you to anyone out there following my journey to build the life I want. I already have a great, amazing, incredible life. But who doesn’t want more of the good?

Sometimes Divine Timing Is Only 5 Minutes

My heart is beating so fast right now. I feel shaky and light and airy. I am a being with power. I am a being full of abundance. The world, the universe asks what it can give me. And I receive. And I ask what can I give back. I want to serve you God. Serve your highest purpose for me, serve your will.

 

A moment of testimony:

 

For almost a year I have been putting off a certain task in my business. A technical task that I assumed would be too techy.

 

So I pushed it away.


Pushed it away allll the way in the back of my mind. Until days passed, then weeks, then months. And I succumbed into this was how it was going to be. This was one thing I cannot solve.

 

7 months passed by that I left this task unattended. I finally decided to buckle up. And on one weekend I decided, I have one goal this weekend. One goal, one intent for the next two days. And it is to finally tackle this task no matter what it takes, and no matter how long. I will sit in front of this computer screen for as long as it takes.

 

I woke up (or nudged by God) around 5am that Saturday morning. I wasn’t working even 30 minutes when I figured out the task. Figured out how to complete it and move forward.

 

Something that I had been waiting for months upon months upon months, because I had convinced myself that this technical task was much too difficult.

 

I lied to myself until I believed it. And the fear became contagious and it enveloped me, it held me, it cloaked me, it killed me. A death.

 

But from death comes rebirth.

 

So I decided to push a little more.

 

Yet, when I finally decided to face this tiny task, I was presented with the utmost ease. I was able to set up the technical process for my website in less than 30 minutes. It was probably closer to 15 minutes.

 

As I write this, I feel this strange energy of disbelief and comfort and love. And taken care of by the universe. The universe truly has my back.

 

It shows me how much I am loved, how much it wants me to be prosperous. God I hear you. God I see you. God we are talking.


(Sidebar: I’ll write another post on this but everyday when I meditate I ask to feel God to converse with God and I’m realizing this is how the universe is speaking to me. This is how she is opening up dialogue with this soul called Grace.)

 

The ease of it all is quite incredible, quite magnificent and only of God.

 

Shortly after setting up that to do list on my website. I went to increase the price of one of my products because I realized it was undervalued.

 

I realized I was too afraid to charge what it was worth. And I told myself not to be afraid. I began to believe the worth in my products.

 

I believe in the value I am bringing to these students.

 

I raised the price and then …

 

5 minutes

4 minutes

3 minutes

2 minutes

1 minute

 

Passed by and I received an email that a new order had been placed. Yes, a new order for the product whose price I just rose.

 

5 minutes later the universe nodded her head at me and say, “Here you are, my love. You are moving in the right direction.”

 

God just thinking about it makes me tremble, makes my breath short and choppy.

 

I am of God, in anyway I imagine it. As long as my intentions are in alignment with the Highest Good, with His Will, and in knowing I want to serve the world.

 

I am everything I wish to be. I already am.

 

In this moment.

 

Wealth. Abundance. Love. Joy. Confidence. Power.

 

I am THAT. I am.

$3,053.70 in 90 Days – My little online business that could

It’s hard, man.

I wanted to keep a journal of how my business is growing so I can look back at it and know the little things is what got me to the big thing. Also, so I can help others to the same.

hesi blog sales screenshot

Starting an online business is not fricking easy.

There’s more hard work than money.

Get that. Read it again.

There is more effort involved than money, bay bay!clap emoji

Well in the beginning anyway, they (successful ultra-rich entrepreneurs) say it gets easier as you progress. And I am really looking forward to the day, I can say bye bye to my (actually pretty awesome) corporate job.

However, for now, it’s time to grind.

I have struggled (AND STILL STRUGGLE) with procrastination every single effing day. Sometimes there will be days that I waste and I do NOTEENG! Not a damn thing.

How I play nice with procrastination:

The way I coax procrastinating Grace to work, is convince her to do one little thing. Just post a picture on the Facebook page. Just edit the first paragraph of that document…and it usually leads me to doing more work.

But sometimes, I just stop there, I just stop at the little thing, and guess what? I don’t feel bad or ashamed…because hey, I did some thing.

What business are you in?

It’s actually not fancy or sexy or anything…it’s actually quite BOWRING! I sell e-study guides to students who are taking a standardized test.

Yeah…that’s it.

But pretty damn profitable.

People are begging for my stuff and begging for more study guides and tutoring and all the things.

It’s overwhelming to keep up with everything but I literally know there are hundreds of thousands of dollars waiting for me on the other. God, it’s fucking palpable. The money is there looking at me, tapping her foot, winking at me, “we’re waiting for you.”

How did you get people to your site?

I followed ZTL principles on guest posting…and get this: I’ve only guest posted on two websites…that’s it!

That’s the only marketing I’ve done for this product. The need is really there so I really attribute it that factor but students really need a solid study guide that helps them pass this standardized test. I can only imagine when I actually put forth real effort in marketing the product, what it will look like for my business…because honestly, I do nothing in regards to marketing.

I wrote those two articles about one to two months ago and haven’t done anything since, yet sales roll in every day.

Did you really make that much money in 90 days?

Well, fine, it was 99 days but 90 sounds better on the title, GAWD!

But in that regard, I also have to tell when this all started: 6 FUCKING YEARS AGO! LOL! Yes, berry sad.

Seriously, I first had this idea in 2011, and sold a few study guides and then just stopped because it became overwhelming and I panicked.

I panicked for being too good, too successful, too rich. What if I have to pay a lot of taxes? What if someone sues me? What if life isn’t any better on the other side? What if I’m rich and sad? What if? What if?! WHAT IF?!

6 years later, I’m back on the train and pushing every goddamn day…pushing against these thoughts. Every day. Every day I’m saying, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

And sometimes I can’t…but then the next day arrives.

What now?

I hate writing but I need to buck up and write more guest articles and YouTube tutorials for my students. I plan to double the monthly income by the end of the year.

There’s also a lot of background noise going on like talks of my company’s jobs moving to India so I also need to focus on securing my job here, even if it’s with another company.

Yet, it serves as a wonderful and beautiful reminder that we’re all so dispensable.

So make yourself indispensable for other people.

Provide value others can’t, in the way and method only YOU can.

Don’t do things others can do.

Don’t just follow directions, anybody can do that.

Create! Make something! And let it pull you to where you’re meant to be!

Loving you is one of my greatest experiences

Almost 2 years ago, Dainelle and I planted a plant together on Valentine’s Day. Over the course of that time, I forgot to water the plant until one day it completely dried up and became yellow dry straws of what it used to be.
Last weekend, I finally decided to go to my apt, which I don’t frequent very often, and just clean the whole place.
I started sweeping a corner of the living room where there’s a table and the plant I never threw out, even though it dried up and died.
But then, I crouch down and take a closer look.
Somehow…somehow…in this hot ass apartment where the AC is rarely turned on, in this lonely apt that is barely visited, this plant…has SOMEHOW revived. Replanted. Resurrected!
It has been probably 9 months since I’ve looked at this plant, let alone watered it!
20170723_160337_HDR
Yet, somehow this stubborn little plant has regrown from nothing.
Wow. Oh wow universe. I see you.
Sometimes it’s hard. This is hard. “Us” is hard. Sometimes I want to dig in my heels and be right and just run away… But somehow, I always come back to that knowingness that I’m supposed to be here now. Here with you. I know it. I’ve never been so confident. I just know.
Those things which are meant to be will prosper despite all odds.
Who knows what the future holds, but whatever may come, I know we can’t get to the other side, we can’t transform, we can’t become who we’re meant to be, without going through each other first. I hope we find each other on the other side but if we don’t, I know how magical and divine our #truelove has been and will always be.