Dark Places

Sometimes white men preachers know how to preach… Joel Osteen said in order for a seed to become a flower, it needs to be planted in the wet, dark dirt.

And that’s where I feel now. So it is time to go inward and maybe something as beautiful as a flower can manage to grow and bloom.



A Drunken Meditation

6:44AM Friday November 17

I’m jamming out to Taylor Swift as I write my group meditation experience from yesterday.

Ok, so I need to lower the volume because I keep stopping mid-sentence to dance. Taylor Swift, I just don’t know how to quit you.

Ok volume has been lowered.

So let me tell you. Long story short: I took a Transcendal Meditation (also referred to as TM) course because I was going through (still am, let’s not kid around) self-identity crisis. I was going through a break up and going through some self esteem issues. And I needed to find peace and a quiet mind, STAT.

So yes, I paid the $700 to learn how to meditate with the TM technique. (FYI, it’s income based so you can pay as low as $300 and there are monthly payments, which I did.)

(Sidebar even with the low volume, I just can’t stop singing along…okay. FOCUS!)

So umm where was I? Ah yes, quasi mental breakdown so I started TM. Ok I have been meditating for about 2-3 months now, and I will say it has helped very much. It’s helped in many ways like when I’m in the quite space, old thoughts will come up that will surprise me and I didn’t know that was something that still bothered me, and maybe it doesn’t, but it’s still a thought that my brain spontaneously presents to me.

I had my first “unbounded consciousness” experience when I was meditating at work. I went to the usual private, quiet, lonely empty office I go to, and closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and said my mantra.

Before I knew, everything was just quite, and my mind felt like it was inside an expansive landscape…like just space and air. My brain was finally quiet and empty. No thoughts. Thank the lord.

BUT it only happened that one time and now every time I meditate, I’m a restless seeker looking for the same experience, but the more you try to make it happen, then it won’t. I gotta just relassss.

Anyhoo, so back to yesterday. TM Houston has Thursday evening group meditations and fock, the power of group meditation is no effin joke. Like seriously, all that energy and synergy is just controlled chaotic full big heavy, heavy energy.

I never felt it as powerful as I did yesterday. It was actually quite an experience and a deep but conscious meditation.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I immediately felt the vibrations and energies of the room. Like…hmm it’s hard to describe, but it was VOOM. Hmm you know when you see those movies if someone closes their eyes and all of a sudden they’re in another world and the movie audio/sountrack makes likes this VOOM sound? Well yeah that.

Not sure if that makes sense, but I closed my eyes and VOOM. We sat in meditation for 20 minutes and I still had plenty of thoughts through but there were absolutely moments of…something.

At one point, I felt like the room was spinning and I was trying so hard not to open my eyes because I didn’t want to break my meditation, but yes, the room was spinning. It was the same exact feeling after a drunken night of too many vodka sodas after going to see the drag queens at Tony’s.

When you get home and slump on the bed, and can feel the whole room spinning. Yes, just like that. And it felt like it was for like at least ten minutes but sometimes it’s hard to have concept of time in group meditations because they’re so deep. (With my individual meds, 20 minutes can feel like years or 20 seconds, depending on how I’m feeling, what I’m stressed about etc.)

Also, my hands and forearms felt really, really warm and numb. This almost always happens at group meds and occasional in my own individual meds. I actually like this feeling a lot. I know when I can’t feel my hands I’m in a different state, even if I still have thoughts flowing at 60 miles an hour. It’s my brain releasing stress.

The group meditation was much needed. The last several weeks I’ve had very surface, cursory individual meditations and even those are considered ‘good’ meditations because your brain and nervous system is allegedly relieving stress.

So we’ll see, I want to be able to have deeper individual meditations but I know that only comes with practice which I need to do more of, not just in the morning. With TM, you’re actually supposed to do it twice a day but I’ve been slacking.

Anyhoo that’s my drunken meditation experience. I’m off to werk!


I’m buying myself a gift.

Today marks another little decision that’s going to help big movements.

I finally, FINALLY created custom email addresses for my business instead of having the students email a regular Gmail account for questions or support.

Such an exciting moment for me!!

It was a bit frustrating because for a day I was going round and round in circle calling Shopify, GoDaddy, and Hostgator! Like twice.

But it helped that the customer service people were so cool, chill, and actually helpful. And if you know me, you know I’m ALL ABOUT customer service.

Welp, and I need to get better about celebrating milestones that mean a lot to me so tonight I will go to da store and buy a few little gifts I’ve been wanting to purchase.

Recently, I’m delved deeper into spiritually and finding inner peace and being happy now and all that yada yada, you probably hear a lot.

But hey it helps me. It really does.

Anyhoo, so I’m buying an amethyst and quartz. Amethyst helps with insomnia and anxious energy.¬†Quartz helps cleanse the soul by regulating the energy around it. It wards off bad energy and is considered a healing stone.

So you probably thought I wasn’t going to get all woowoo but hello, it’s ME!

I’ll take some pictures and post later.

Thank you to anyone out there following my journey to build the life I want. I already have a great, amazing, incredible life. But who doesn’t want more of the good?