Feeling Poor

Here I go stressing out about money again. Feeling poor. I received a $200 medical bill that I have been putting off but I need to pay as soon as possible. I also have another bill that I need to pay for about $240.

Plus I need to save up for a vacation in October and a little mini staycation for Valentine’s Day.

I started freaking out knowing I do not have a lot of money in my checking account. I’m talking I have like $97 in my checking account. Still, a lot more than I used to have even a few months ago.

I overspent this weekend. I went out to eat too much and bought a box of $50 diapers instead of the $35 box. I was just too excited for the baby show. Sigh.

So for the next two weekends I will have to be very, very conservative with my money so I can manage to pay off those couple hundred dollars in bills as well as save up for vacation AND a Valentine’s Day Gift, which I already know what it will be so I’m not too worried about that particular expense.
As I was on my way home driving on the freeway, distracted as usual, all I could think about was how little I had in my checking account and worried that I would not be able to take my boo out for the next couple of weekends.

I started worrying and worrying and freaking out and I could feel myself stress out.

I can feel the stress in my forehead build and crawl into my neck.

And I started worrying and feeling bad about myself for not being able to afford to take out my girlfriend the next few weeks.

I felt the shame wash over my face and heart.

The angry red voice in my head reminding me that I am not good enough, I don’t make enough, I can’t reach high enough.

I. Won’t. Ever. Make. It.

…but then, I just took a deep breath and told myself: You know what, Grace? This is the reality of your situation. And just six months ago, you would have dealt with it. Tough titties. No bone about. No choice. It just is. 

When I worked at my last job, I would have no choice but to just use the only money I have and not even fall back on a savings account. (Which I have now, but I refuse to touch it.)

Money. Money. Money. It really is a love hate relationship. I hate you. I hate you I hate…

but I need you I need you I need.

We all have our odd healthy and unhealthy relationship with money.

Anyway, I took a deep breath and remembered things will always be okay, they always have.

Sure it won’t be a fun conversation: “Hey, I’m super broke for the next two weeks, just FYI, do don’t be axing be for no dinner and no drinks.”

Or something like that. Teehee.

But I know that in the end, these are the hard decisions and the smart decisions that can help my future and our future together in order to build a bigger and better and more secure livelihood.

Who knows, maybe someday soon, I’ll be just chillaxing on a beach, eating fancy caviar. Oui oui!

Although, lesbi honest I’m not going to want caviar. I’m still going to want cheeseburgers and beers and french fries and wings and crawfish.

And I will still refuse to shave my armpits and shave my legs and wax my mustache and wax my eyebrows. I will still wear the my favorite t-shirts with holes in them and with the same jeans everyday.

To better savvy days!

And I need to remember in just a few months, aka by the end of the year, I will be free from credit card debt…

and only have Miss Student Loans to answer to. Hey, I’ll knock her out pretty quickly too.

to days of zerosssssssssssss!

-love,

gt

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